Anatomy of an Ego, or Will the Real "I" Come Forward?

The "I" casts off the illusion of "I" and yet remains as "I".
Such is the paradox of realization.   Ramana Maharshi

In the beginning of the spiritual quest, the focus of one's attention turns within in direct proportion to a growing awareness that the world appears to be an endless turning wheel, spinning back and forth between pleasures and sufferings.   The seeker of truth begins to search for what is real and lasting.

Ramana has said that the "I" casts off the illusion of false "i" and that this is a paradox.  There are not two "I's!"  It is a paradox only for the personal "i!" 

When the first thought “I am” arises in Consciousness, it is the first relationship actually - that of the form and formlessness (consider the divine metaphor of Shiva and Shakti, experiencing separateness only to merge as One again and again)   In this play of consciousness, Maya (or ignorance of Consciousness) appears.  I, me and mine thus are born into a world created by this ignorance of separation and since the world, by definition, will always reflect the first thought of separation, it (the world) also appears as separate and all the conditions to support this false view arise simultaneously, such as time and space.

So now an "individual" has been born into a world (a mental landscape) of struggle for survival.  Thought to be separate, it always lives in fear and helplessly chases pleasurable experiences and tries to avoid painful experiences.  All it ever truly wants is to be happy and to love and be loved, and moreover, to live forever!  There is a subconscious knowing that these desires are somehow attainable, although the world disproves their possibility, keeping one constantly on a circular maze. 

Here now we come full circle: when the individual, lost in the world made real in her own mind, but through persistent sincere and earnest inquiry into the nature of reality, having realized that the world as known by the body and its senses, and the mind and its thoughts, is unsatisfying, and basically like an endless wheel spinning the same untruths over and over, like a stuck record   -----   an alchemy occurs and the Witness appears in Awareness.  At first, small moments of clarity and insight, and through increased and consistent inquiry, a shift occurs wherein the individual, or false "i", is seen as an object of perception by this Witness quality of the Absolute Self.  At this stage, the world with all its changing scenes, along with the personal "i", is seen with increasing clarity and insight to be unreal because it is always changing!  The sincere seeker of truth is now inquiring into what is Real (unchanging) and it also becomes evident at this point that what was thought to be the knower, her mind, cannot be trusted any longer to guide her quest to the nature of reality and the truth. 

Here is the point of no-return!, the threshold, the jumping off point!  One dallies here because of the fear of giving up what is familiar (albeit unsatisfying).  Jumping off the wheel of life as has been lived up to this point takes tremendous courage.  For some it may be a sudden leap of faith, for others it might take many confrontations.  And for the majority, a rationalization begins to emerge which says one can be spiritual by taking on the outer appearances of what is projected to be a spiritual life.  This is the vast wasteland occupied by seekers who wander from teacher to teacher, from practice to practice, year after year after year, deceiving themselves that they are the spiritually elite!  Unwilling to let go of the false subject position of the false "i" ("child of a barren woman"), they are orphans in an unreal world, never feeling at home or at peace, and using spirituality as a narcotic to tranquilize their helplessness, taking on complicated practices (and sometimes equally complicated lifestyles and clothing!) to give their life a purpose.  They settle for a progressive type of understanding and are deceived into believing that there is a process within a time-frame (initiations, spiritual practices, reincarnations, stages of awareness, etc).  They have traded the possibility of direct experience for the promise of eventual awakening of the false "i;" thus prolonging the fear of losing their familiar world – having their cake and eating it too!

With the first thought, “I am,” which is actually a natural recognition of ones true Self, there occurs the first separation and the birth of ignorance.  This is ego, who does not want to disappear back into the One, so it constructs a world by thinking thoughts, creating a network called “history”, personal and world history!, to identify itself with.  This seems to justify a world of multiplicity in which to roam about, ostensibly seeking eternal happiness but, unfortunately, limiting itself to temporary happiness only, banging its ego-head on repeating cycles of pain and pleasure yet afraid to jump off this man-made prison wheel of repeating cycles, afraid to get off the carousel of the mental states.

Deconstruction is the only cure!
The medicine is self-inquiry.
The means is sincerity and earnestness.

When the first thought is isolated by the grace of witnessing, it is seen only as the natural flow between form and formless, between lover and beloved.  This is the tantric esoteric insight.  From this view, all else is seen as a play of consciousness, said to be playing a game of hide and seek, yet the seeker and the sought, the enjoyer and the enjoyed are now recognized as Being One and the Same, not separate, never was separate and never will be separate.

Ahhh – now the eternal and the infinite become the landscape, not time and space!!!